Boobies For Babies

In a far far away land there is a man who rules the land with an iron fist. Ok, so I’m being a little dramatic but Mayor Bloomberg is at it again. Now that he’s declared soda, or rather any soda larger than 16 ounces, the enemy, he needs more to add to his new how to be healthy list.

The Mayor would like hospitals to lock up baby formula so that new moms will be forced to breastfeed. If a new mom does not want to breastfeed, the nurse is supposed to twist her arm, I mean, give her an educational speech on the benefits of breastfeeding because most new moms have probably never considered whether to breastfeed or not right up until that first in the hospital feeding. If that doesn’t work, the nurse must then write down a medical reason before going off in search of that locked cabinet in which the formula is being kept from that terrible new mom. Let’s hope mom gets tired of waiting and chooses to breastfeed out of fear that her baby will starve before the nurse can ever get back with that bottle.

There it is. Lock up the Similac right next to the oxycontin.

Forget the drug problem. Those pesky dealers, or doctors, have a very loyal fan base and who is the Mayor to get in the way of that.  Forget the schools. It’s not fun anymore harassing the teachers and wasn’t that program where we paid parents to get their kids to go to school a raging success? Wasn’t it?  I’m sure there are zillions of other quality of life issues to worry about in NYC. Giuliani went after the squeegee men and hookers. Bloomberg will do him one better.

Get the new moms.

Let’s get the new moms right in the hospital, right after they’ve gone through labor, just as they’ve fallen in love with their precious bundle, right after they’ve read every baby book ever written and are sure that they are NEVER going to make any mistakes because they are prepared.

There is nothing quite like being a new mom, high on baby books knowing that  everything that could possibly go right or wrong was covered in those pages. There’s also the guilt of being a new mom who secretly worries that she’s ruined her baby’s chances of getting into college because she chose the epidural because, well, labor hurts and whoever wrote in the book that drugs are bad should have to eat the book when you hit the 5 centimeter dilation mark. Of course my suggestion that they eat the book is way nicer than what I’d really do to them with that book.

But I digress. The Mayor.

There is something oddly comforting the way the Mayor describes the nurse as being too busy to go search out the formula. If we can’t cure all the ills facing NYC, then by all means, let’s make sure the nurses really earn their pay. Its not like they’re busy or anything.

It's stories like this that make me wish I were rich. If I could afford it, I’d visit every maternity ward in NYC with Big Gulps for new moms. It could be a new form of protest. Just picture it. I’d walk in with my huge jug of soda and then sit down and horrify the new mom with stories of my teenagers. I can see the new mom’s face now. You mean they really do that? I’d smile sympathetically at her and nod. Oh, honey, that’s not the half of it. You think the delivery was rough? Colic? I’d have to chuckle at that. Let me tell you about 15 through 19. There’s no book that can ever prepare you for those firsts. Let’s see….the first time they tell you they hate you, the first time they bring home that friend you’ll hate, the first time they steal your car. Yes. Plenty of firsts.  And so far no mom has been brave enough to start a group called, “Let’s take them swimming in the undertow.”

Perhaps the Mayor missed a genius marketing move. He could patent buttons and require all maternity nurses to wear them. Whip it out. Boobies for babies.  It would be the start of a whole forced breast feeding movement. When he’s done with that he could start examining episiotomies. Who needs one? Who does not?

When are New Yorkers going to say enough to Mayor Bloomberg? Doesn’t he have bigger things to worry about than a mother’s choice to breastfeed or not?